The Inevitable

I feel horrible, but I know its over.  I feel so disconnected and guilty. I hate myself so much. If he only knew that I dont mean to hurt him and cause him any pain but I have to follow my heart again. She needs things that you cannot provide. Not because you wont but because its not within you.
Im scared of the pain thats going to endure after the big hit. I love you so much and I hope you know that. I tell you that everyday because its true. I want to remind you that I love you so much but Im moving on.
Im sorry David. I have to do whats right within me. Its not fair for you.

This is what sucks about the inevitable break-up because I haven't yet and know I will. Thinking about how disappointed you're going to feel and the pain that I will be causing you.

You have been nothing but beautiful, comforting, unconditional, loving, understanding, respectful to me.

Im so sorry David. Dont Hate Me.

I LOVE YOU.

Cant Shake this Feeling...

How do i begin?

last month I went to Ecstatic Dance on the full moon and whilst there I did a tarot reading. When I went I was feeling really shaky about my relationship. I was even considering moving out but not breaking up.  I got these 3 cards and a wild one,

Past: Celebration
Present: Harmony
Future:Transformation
Wild: Politics

I decided to not move out anymore but now Im feeling even more trapped not by him but by everything around me! I feel this very strong urge to travel than i have ever before.. what do i do? I told myself that once i get my degree then i can travel. Should I wait until then or do it now or during?

I feel as if Im growing distant to my David.  Its not his fault. He's been nothing but wonderful to me.

.......


I feel the transformation.

too many distractions

How do I sum up whats been going on?
lets see:

started school
back in therapy
loving Berkeley more and more errrday!
Terribly homesick (spent a whole day crying)
Throat Chakra and Heart Chackra are doing a lot of healin
Crystal shopping!
awful food habit
work part time
BOBA TEA and Jap Food obsession  (well mainly just eat the same thing but a lot of it)
In dire need of GIRL TIME!
unbelievably distracted. ugh.
got Rook pierced!
tattoo ideas flourishing
hopefully going back to the A for about a week and half. =( I could go longer but my bear isnt coming with me, so i have to cut my trip shorter cause we're planning on driving up the coast..
Ive been on skype so much more seeing family and friends

Went to a Halloween Bday party! David and I were a Mad Men couple. I was a Stepford Wife and he a succesfull Ad man

I sweear he was a lion in a past life

theyre such a hot couple

ahhh.. so handsome

oh god these guys were a friggin blast! 

Bday Boy Jacob!

currently me

my hair with twist out:

my septum piercing and my jade 2g!

maybe not the best picture but it shows!

my hair

ive been really excited with my hair lately! i finished taking the supplements for my hair.  I straightened my hair to see how long it is!.


I started seeing a naturopathic doctor who has me off of sugar , gluten, and dairy for about a month! Its been great because Ive seen how different my body is now compared to 3 weeks ago. Its 3 weeks today that ive been off that stuff. I feel great! my mood is so much better, and i feel alot more confident and slightly sassy! .  I feel like Ive lost some weight, not much but like 3 pounds. It has been nice because ive been able to buy a few things without having to try them on and they fit nicely!~) Ill see the doctor this coming week and we're going to work other things but getting that stuff out of my system first was a must. Ive also noticed how sensitive i am to certain foods since ive been on this elimination diet.  Well. thats all for now.. here's my hair..

Hearts A Lonely Hunter...

So this week was sooo RAD! 

To top off David's SB we went to a party that was thrown by one of our favorite music labels ESL Music.  A new friend I met at work joined us and danced that night away! I was so happy cause she's into very much of the same things that I am into! i really miss having friends. I want to have a lot more friends like April. Where we can listen to reggae and funk music and talk about spirituality. start  up drum circles vibrating off of each other. People like her remind me as to why i wanted to live in the bay area in the first place. Im glad i met her!  

Im starting to like SF after all. Im not sure if i'd want to move to Berkeley just yet.  I know Berkeley would be great too but GOSH the weather has been amazing and just positive vibrations.  For the first time today i truly felt the love from SF!

Therapy is going well. 

I started seeing a naturopathic doctor. She put me on an elimination diet. Im off of sugar, dairy, gluten and bananas for about 3 weeks. Im also doing a skin detox on my own. It feels good to be taking a little control of the things i can and letting go of things i cannot.  

Dave and I went on 3 hr hike a week ago to Mt. Tam

 (sexual energy coming from this tree)

 walking on side of the Mt. Tam

 looking up in..

 this reminds me of a vagina..

????

I like this remix.

David's stressed cant seem to finish his paper.

Im stressed.

getting thru these rainy days together.

Wet and Cold

song of the week.

It's been HELLA raining in SF. I mean like 2 1/2 weeeks straight rain. I dont mind it at all because its nice to see rain. i like the rainy gloomy sweater weather. Ive been doing really well on shopping. I havent spent any on myself. Its been to bills and food. I kinda have to get really serious about saving if i wanna go anywhere this summer especially ATL. I cant wait to go back and VISIT.

So far ive been taking a little more control of myself. Im attempting to read "Thus Spoke Zarathusra".  My knitting has gotten so much better. I was stuck on a specific stitch that I just couldnt get right on my own but my co-worker Lynley helped me figure out what i was doing wrong, so that made my day! (a few days ago).  Ive sold 3 items on ebay only which i guess is good but id rather sell all my stuff so i can get new stuff or save the money. My obsession with my hair is only getting worse.  The multivitamins have helped my hair grow maybe an inch to in and half but i just gotta be patient. Hopefully my hair grows more than a foot this year. Honestly though it just doenst feel like its getting any longer. Gah i want it boob long already! I had a dream the other day that it was boob long and i looked like a mermaid. bahahahahhaa. I did.

My other obsession is MOVING! i really wanna move to Berkeley this summer. We'd save well over $200 a person. I mean my roommate really love SF. He's said this before but i also feel like he would get bored of Berkeley fast. He has to be out and about all the time.  Its funny because ive been watching myself these past few years and notice the older i get the  more reserved ive become. Especially now that i live out on my own. I dont make much use of the city as i thought i would. I dont have much friends out here to do much with besides going out requires $$$ of which i dont have. Id like to go out and do yoga or go see a show or a poetry reading. Berkeley has alot more of that going on ive noticed.  So that said, ALL i do is look for housing on craigslist for Berkeley. Compared to out here Berkeley is so much cheaper and sunnier. =)

with that said. Things im not doing as much anymore : obsessing over my bike; i m just going to do with what i have and fix it how i want it: obsessing over clothes ( just barely)

hopefully we move to brkly this summer and i get a transfer to the brkly store! and go to BCC.

 *sighs*

lo que sera..sera..

Lotus

Had a passive emotional outburst last night. when is this going to end??? 

Therapy was good because we had a breakthrough. I was able to see myself differently which is always good! I put a few things up on ebay to sell! My name is Herbivore170 if you wanna see whats listed. Ive been experimenting in the kitchen a little more lately which is nice i was getting pretty lazy there.  Today's evening meal was Blackeyed Pea and Collard Green soup! i added a few extra things to the concoction and it was taaasty. yum. David had like 3 servings.  I tell ya, it makes me feel a little special with every serving.  I know its silly but its great to know that my man enjoys my cooking. =D

and im broke and thinking on how to spend my next check on shit already! Yeas, i have Oniomania. 

UGH!

Song of the week:

Please play while reading this post.

Latest:

so i gotta take this slow. I want all these things at once. David was going to let me borrow the money for a bike and he decided to back out because he feels like i could get a cheaper bike if i build it myself. No honey, its gonna cost more to build it. Nonetheless, ill just build it and maintenance the bike i have now. lame. I kinda just want a new bike, but its best to work thru it and just build it. whatev! I know he's concerned for me but its frustrating being reminded that i cant afford things. Its uncomfortable and can be crippling. Yes, there's other people in the world who worry about not having food on the table but im grateful that that's not a concern and if not affording luxuries like a bike is my issue then thats a good thing.

My co-worker Trose started this book club that i may join. Im intellectually bored. I should also focus my energy on esoteric things but i yearning for more of an exoteric feed.  Why not.

I dont feel as interesting anymore. i dont ever say the right things. environment just feels awkward and frustrating.  everything i say sounds lame and unintellectual. i repeat the same things all the time using different words. people's thoughts and ideas bore me. where's the joy? what an effin phase.

Looking Forward To: 

getting vegan Saucony sneakers; selling a few things on ebay; once my period is over start working out a little more; piercing left nostril; gaging to size  4 or 2.; doc marten boots; building my bike; reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra; longer hair; saving money; visiting ATL

Not Looking Forward To:

Fixing the rear "something" for my car, yuck, ($$$)

aaaannd...

this post is OVER!

becoming a hippie hipster

Who's got 2 thumbs and loves life a little more ......

this girl! 

hahaha.. well thats me in my bi-weekly facial. don't hate.

Who knows where i last left off but lets move on with the show. Shall we? 

So things ive been doing? working and getting my things together for school. Well kinda. Paid of my computer!! finally..Whooop whoop. My sessions are pretty good. Going to these meetings have been bringing up feelings from my past that i held for so long  that they have been arising.  Which means that David and I have been fighting a lot.  He's so strong and going through this process of healing with me so he's been understanding.  My behaviors have been kind of childish. Ive been spending way more than my means and angry when i dont get my way or some shits like that. But no more of that, my shrink says i should startto take a deep breaths when I get really upset and move from the space.  So im taking it one day at time. 

Well my hair is longer. Hooray! (claps and whistles) and my skin looks great compared to how its looked in the recent years aaaaaandd...Im back down to 145lbs!! in december i weighed at 140lbs but that was because i was sick for 1 1/2 week only eating soup and nothing but atleast i only gained 5lbs. I want to lose weight but at my own pace for my health. So my ultimate goal is 120-125lbs but im going to take it slow. First i gotta lose the 5lbs and go to 140lbs and so forth. losing 5lbs at time so that i dont set up for disappointment. im going to miss ya gut of mine.

to wrap this self indulgent note up: 

im gaging again, rebuilding my bike and getting a newer one, and getting my left nostril pierced! what what!

mothatrucka!!

testosterone

Its been awhile indeed.  Ive been experiencing deeply an emotional roller coaster from fighting with David constantly to seeing a therapist to feeling like im more of a guy than a girl to needing to save money to travel and move to potentially Berkeley (which im hoping isnt a mistake and really an unaccessible city) to going back to school (going to CCSF) to being annoyed by work to missing the feeling of being cool and comfortable.

Ive had a few obsessions like shopping for organic clothing and waiting for my hair to grow whilst attempting in thinking about fixing my bike instead of buying a new one. If i look at my bike: already have a frame, just need to get new rims and brakes and handle bar and pedals and seat.  So thats pretty much it! oh and i almost forgot get my car fixed cost me like $100 dollars.  I guess thats better than G's spent on other things for the car.

I just bought a raincoat because Im in need of one.  Its been raining in SF for the past 2 1/2 weeks (we had a few sunny days like today) and it will continue to rain throughout the week! YAY (i actually mean that despite my monotone-ss)

Dave and i had a talk why were fighting so much and its been ME really me; ive picked at him for so many things that even i feel bad. Its not fair to him and our relationship. Ive been very vulnerable out here and tis getting in the way of my rationality.  He understands me but there's so much he can take.  He told me he was beginning to wonder how we were going to make it in the long run and if I was ready for this move and this relationship.  I felt ridiculously bad, I started crying because thats exactly where i didnt want to put him in and thats exactly what i did.  I was so mad at me for being so harsh and accusative.  I told him my insecurities are getting the best of me especially now that Im so vulnerable. I am ready for this relationship, this move, and I want us to make it, including, how sorry i was for putting him in this stressful position after he's been expressing to me how stressed he is with school this quarter.  I love that guy so much! He has no idea how!

Oh Godness, have i been feeling like such a dude or what! It doesnt help that ive been obsessing over my hair these past few weeks. ive definitely been influenced out here by the women.  A lot of them have long hair, so that doesnt help. I want my hair to go down to my boobies! plus i feel like a cow.  I look wide in almost everything i wear.Tis is frustrating.  Plus last night, as i stretched and yawned i yelled BOOBIES!! whats that about?!?!?!  How can i be girlier but still have a cool essence? I guess i first gotta feel right in my own skin.  I do, i love my skin color and my body but im little and so much condensed in a tiny person.  Besides, the fact that my voice is slightly monotoned doesnt help.

oh yea and my boss says my voice is too monotoned. I need to sound happier. Well lady ive been like this all my life! ask my friends! I cant sound happier i just sound louder when i do!  Thats really annoying! The only time my voice changes is when i speak spanish. English and any other germanic language will all be mono a mono.

saving money is giving me anxiety! i wanna spend it soo bad!! but trying! I have less things i need on my ebay watch list. whoop whoop!


Thats a wrap ( a falafel wrap sounds yummy right about now!..menzy is on her way, hooray)

 and i love EARTH! dirt never tasted soo good! 

Haight and Ashbury

What a week.  So this week I helped open the Haight store which was pretty rad.  Its such a bright and colourful store. It was definitely nice working in a different store and still being able to go back to mine. I left Haight missing it so my boss gave me 2 shifts next week so that'll be sweet!  I dont plan on transferring anytime soon unless i was going to Whole Body.

Then Thursday was my first visit to the therapist.  Yes you read correctly, THERAPIST.  Now that was really interesting.  Ive never experience anything like that before. I enjoyed it for the most part.  I ended talking about someone i didnt expect to talk about, but i  definitely needed to get it out of my chess. I talked about so much.  she didnt ask me a lot of questions, i wanted her to though.  I felt as if i was running out of things to say.  It was a bit hard reliving moments of my life that were painful.

Nothing else except did some shopping online and have a few more things to buy until im done for awhile. ;-) david tells me "marge, im not going to make enough money to sustain you and your expenses".  i know i know. okay.

its late.  im tired.

FUCK YOU!

Sallie Mae.

....

you owe that to me.
i regret a few things in my life.
you are one of them.
i know everything happens for a reason.
you owe that to me.

...

Field of Jasmine

...
sometimes i get speechless when i look at you..
i dont know what to say
im just in awe to have you in my life
by your side i smell a field of jasmine.
...

Well work was interesting.  I helped open the Haight store.  It was definitely an experience.  We had a soft open today but Wednesday is our GRAND OPENING!

Came home to our bathroom getting remodeled and flowers in the kitchen with a Love card attached.  I wasnt expecting anything from David for V-day because seriously that's what it feels like almost always (knocking on wood) We treat ourselves once a week so it didnt cross my mind. So it was sweet to see almost budded flower pot with a funny/adorable card full of kisses for me.  Now im just chillen and watching Home Movies..

...

"please please please, let me get what i want.."

A Day In The Life

Humph..I got my tax refund last night, so today I paid for things that had priority. ( lame) I have a little left to spend on myself but at least its something.  So i got myself a few items that'd id been waiting to get for a while.  I still want a new bike but thats gonna have to wait for awhile.  Whatelse..ugh.. money can be so crippling.  Anyways, I have work in a couple hours gotta get in the mode cuz its going to be a long night. andddd my apt building owners are remodeling the apt upstairs! and its sooooooo efffffin noisy and annoying! its been like this for a friggin week now! STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! I just wanna take my broom and hit the ceiling so they get the point!   =/  S.O.S.

blah blah blah..

la-di-da..

Aqueous Transmission

Well, today was the first day in a long time that I did the things i set out to do even a lil off course.  So I woke up this morning around 9:30, shortly, after David gave me a kiss before he left to school( i love it when he does that) and started my day off the right way! Yay Me.  So our roommate has been in some mood and I over heard him telling David that he wants to use the living room space too.  Well its no problem buddy but hello your NEVER home.  I understand where he's coming from he wants to also get comfy on the couch from time time.  Yes, David and I are home the majority of the time therefore we utilize the living space a lot more. This morning cleaned up the living space and made accommodations so that the space does not like unwelcoming; after all, he lives here too.  Now, i leave my stuff on the kitchen table.  This also helps me because sitting on the couch all day make me hella lazy and sitting up right allows more blood flow through me. I decided that Im going back to school this year to finish my career already and graduate!  So I had to get my things together in GA and then transfer all my stuff to CCSF.  Soon enough, I will be starting school this fall! HOORAY! sending positive energy out into the universe!  Well on to my day:

I got dressed and rode my bike to the coast! Along the way, I decided that i was going to the Botanical Gardens first.  Fascinated by all of the HUGE trees out here I took an afternoon nap under one.  Then I walked around the Gardens. Man, SF is so nice!  There's alot of museums and excursions free to SF residents! Along the way, i found..(keep in mind, its not Spring yet)

this is the tree i took a nap under <3

After that, I took a ride down to the Ocean Beach which was about 2 miles from there.  I didnt take any pics of the beach. The pacific ocean is soooo cold!!! gah. I was caught up in the moment that I didnt even think about it.  

I dig my toes into the sand 

The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds 

Strewn across a blue blanket 

I lean against the wind 

Pretend that I am weightless 

And in this moment I am happy...happy 

Actually, I didnt think about anything.  I couldnt believe that i hadnt had a thought.  I just strolled along the park and beach aimlessly but let me tell you that when i got home I was hella tired! It was such a beautiful day in SF and I finally got to enjoy it, even if i was alone.