????

I like this remix.

David's stressed cant seem to finish his paper.

Im stressed.

getting thru these rainy days together.

Wet and Cold

song of the week.

It's been HELLA raining in SF. I mean like 2 1/2 weeeks straight rain. I dont mind it at all because its nice to see rain. i like the rainy gloomy sweater weather. Ive been doing really well on shopping. I havent spent any on myself. Its been to bills and food. I kinda have to get really serious about saving if i wanna go anywhere this summer especially ATL. I cant wait to go back and VISIT.

So far ive been taking a little more control of myself. Im attempting to read "Thus Spoke Zarathusra".  My knitting has gotten so much better. I was stuck on a specific stitch that I just couldnt get right on my own but my co-worker Lynley helped me figure out what i was doing wrong, so that made my day! (a few days ago).  Ive sold 3 items on ebay only which i guess is good but id rather sell all my stuff so i can get new stuff or save the money. My obsession with my hair is only getting worse.  The multivitamins have helped my hair grow maybe an inch to in and half but i just gotta be patient. Hopefully my hair grows more than a foot this year. Honestly though it just doenst feel like its getting any longer. Gah i want it boob long already! I had a dream the other day that it was boob long and i looked like a mermaid. bahahahahhaa. I did.

My other obsession is MOVING! i really wanna move to Berkeley this summer. We'd save well over $200 a person. I mean my roommate really love SF. He's said this before but i also feel like he would get bored of Berkeley fast. He has to be out and about all the time.  Its funny because ive been watching myself these past few years and notice the older i get the  more reserved ive become. Especially now that i live out on my own. I dont make much use of the city as i thought i would. I dont have much friends out here to do much with besides going out requires $$$ of which i dont have. Id like to go out and do yoga or go see a show or a poetry reading. Berkeley has alot more of that going on ive noticed.  So that said, ALL i do is look for housing on craigslist for Berkeley. Compared to out here Berkeley is so much cheaper and sunnier. =)

with that said. Things im not doing as much anymore : obsessing over my bike; i m just going to do with what i have and fix it how i want it: obsessing over clothes ( just barely)

hopefully we move to brkly this summer and i get a transfer to the brkly store! and go to BCC.

 *sighs*

lo que sera..sera..

Lotus

Had a passive emotional outburst last night. when is this going to end??? 

Therapy was good because we had a breakthrough. I was able to see myself differently which is always good! I put a few things up on ebay to sell! My name is Herbivore170 if you wanna see whats listed. Ive been experimenting in the kitchen a little more lately which is nice i was getting pretty lazy there.  Today's evening meal was Blackeyed Pea and Collard Green soup! i added a few extra things to the concoction and it was taaasty. yum. David had like 3 servings.  I tell ya, it makes me feel a little special with every serving.  I know its silly but its great to know that my man enjoys my cooking. =D

and im broke and thinking on how to spend my next check on shit already! Yeas, i have Oniomania. 

UGH!

Song of the week:

Please play while reading this post.

Latest:

so i gotta take this slow. I want all these things at once. David was going to let me borrow the money for a bike and he decided to back out because he feels like i could get a cheaper bike if i build it myself. No honey, its gonna cost more to build it. Nonetheless, ill just build it and maintenance the bike i have now. lame. I kinda just want a new bike, but its best to work thru it and just build it. whatev! I know he's concerned for me but its frustrating being reminded that i cant afford things. Its uncomfortable and can be crippling. Yes, there's other people in the world who worry about not having food on the table but im grateful that that's not a concern and if not affording luxuries like a bike is my issue then thats a good thing.

My co-worker Trose started this book club that i may join. Im intellectually bored. I should also focus my energy on esoteric things but i yearning for more of an exoteric feed.  Why not.

I dont feel as interesting anymore. i dont ever say the right things. environment just feels awkward and frustrating.  everything i say sounds lame and unintellectual. i repeat the same things all the time using different words. people's thoughts and ideas bore me. where's the joy? what an effin phase.

Looking Forward To: 

getting vegan Saucony sneakers; selling a few things on ebay; once my period is over start working out a little more; piercing left nostril; gaging to size  4 or 2.; doc marten boots; building my bike; reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra; longer hair; saving money; visiting ATL

Not Looking Forward To:

Fixing the rear "something" for my car, yuck, ($$$)

aaaannd...

this post is OVER!

becoming a hippie hipster

Who's got 2 thumbs and loves life a little more ......

this girl! 

hahaha.. well thats me in my bi-weekly facial. don't hate.

Who knows where i last left off but lets move on with the show. Shall we? 

So things ive been doing? working and getting my things together for school. Well kinda. Paid of my computer!! finally..Whooop whoop. My sessions are pretty good. Going to these meetings have been bringing up feelings from my past that i held for so long  that they have been arising.  Which means that David and I have been fighting a lot.  He's so strong and going through this process of healing with me so he's been understanding.  My behaviors have been kind of childish. Ive been spending way more than my means and angry when i dont get my way or some shits like that. But no more of that, my shrink says i should startto take a deep breaths when I get really upset and move from the space.  So im taking it one day at time. 

Well my hair is longer. Hooray! (claps and whistles) and my skin looks great compared to how its looked in the recent years aaaaaandd...Im back down to 145lbs!! in december i weighed at 140lbs but that was because i was sick for 1 1/2 week only eating soup and nothing but atleast i only gained 5lbs. I want to lose weight but at my own pace for my health. So my ultimate goal is 120-125lbs but im going to take it slow. First i gotta lose the 5lbs and go to 140lbs and so forth. losing 5lbs at time so that i dont set up for disappointment. im going to miss ya gut of mine.

to wrap this self indulgent note up: 

im gaging again, rebuilding my bike and getting a newer one, and getting my left nostril pierced! what what!

mothatrucka!!

testosterone

Its been awhile indeed.  Ive been experiencing deeply an emotional roller coaster from fighting with David constantly to seeing a therapist to feeling like im more of a guy than a girl to needing to save money to travel and move to potentially Berkeley (which im hoping isnt a mistake and really an unaccessible city) to going back to school (going to CCSF) to being annoyed by work to missing the feeling of being cool and comfortable.

Ive had a few obsessions like shopping for organic clothing and waiting for my hair to grow whilst attempting in thinking about fixing my bike instead of buying a new one. If i look at my bike: already have a frame, just need to get new rims and brakes and handle bar and pedals and seat.  So thats pretty much it! oh and i almost forgot get my car fixed cost me like $100 dollars.  I guess thats better than G's spent on other things for the car.

I just bought a raincoat because Im in need of one.  Its been raining in SF for the past 2 1/2 weeks (we had a few sunny days like today) and it will continue to rain throughout the week! YAY (i actually mean that despite my monotone-ss)

Dave and i had a talk why were fighting so much and its been ME really me; ive picked at him for so many things that even i feel bad. Its not fair to him and our relationship. Ive been very vulnerable out here and tis getting in the way of my rationality.  He understands me but there's so much he can take.  He told me he was beginning to wonder how we were going to make it in the long run and if I was ready for this move and this relationship.  I felt ridiculously bad, I started crying because thats exactly where i didnt want to put him in and thats exactly what i did.  I was so mad at me for being so harsh and accusative.  I told him my insecurities are getting the best of me especially now that Im so vulnerable. I am ready for this relationship, this move, and I want us to make it, including, how sorry i was for putting him in this stressful position after he's been expressing to me how stressed he is with school this quarter.  I love that guy so much! He has no idea how!

Oh Godness, have i been feeling like such a dude or what! It doesnt help that ive been obsessing over my hair these past few weeks. ive definitely been influenced out here by the women.  A lot of them have long hair, so that doesnt help. I want my hair to go down to my boobies! plus i feel like a cow.  I look wide in almost everything i wear.Tis is frustrating.  Plus last night, as i stretched and yawned i yelled BOOBIES!! whats that about?!?!?!  How can i be girlier but still have a cool essence? I guess i first gotta feel right in my own skin.  I do, i love my skin color and my body but im little and so much condensed in a tiny person.  Besides, the fact that my voice is slightly monotoned doesnt help.

oh yea and my boss says my voice is too monotoned. I need to sound happier. Well lady ive been like this all my life! ask my friends! I cant sound happier i just sound louder when i do!  Thats really annoying! The only time my voice changes is when i speak spanish. English and any other germanic language will all be mono a mono.

saving money is giving me anxiety! i wanna spend it soo bad!! but trying! I have less things i need on my ebay watch list. whoop whoop!


Thats a wrap ( a falafel wrap sounds yummy right about now!..menzy is on her way, hooray)

 and i love EARTH! dirt never tasted soo good!