testosterone

Its been awhile indeed.  Ive been experiencing deeply an emotional roller coaster from fighting with David constantly to seeing a therapist to feeling like im more of a guy than a girl to needing to save money to travel and move to potentially Berkeley (which im hoping isnt a mistake and really an unaccessible city) to going back to school (going to CCSF) to being annoyed by work to missing the feeling of being cool and comfortable.

Ive had a few obsessions like shopping for organic clothing and waiting for my hair to grow whilst attempting in thinking about fixing my bike instead of buying a new one. If i look at my bike: already have a frame, just need to get new rims and brakes and handle bar and pedals and seat.  So thats pretty much it! oh and i almost forgot get my car fixed cost me like $100 dollars.  I guess thats better than G's spent on other things for the car.

I just bought a raincoat because Im in need of one.  Its been raining in SF for the past 2 1/2 weeks (we had a few sunny days like today) and it will continue to rain throughout the week! YAY (i actually mean that despite my monotone-ss)

Dave and i had a talk why were fighting so much and its been ME really me; ive picked at him for so many things that even i feel bad. Its not fair to him and our relationship. Ive been very vulnerable out here and tis getting in the way of my rationality.  He understands me but there's so much he can take.  He told me he was beginning to wonder how we were going to make it in the long run and if I was ready for this move and this relationship.  I felt ridiculously bad, I started crying because thats exactly where i didnt want to put him in and thats exactly what i did.  I was so mad at me for being so harsh and accusative.  I told him my insecurities are getting the best of me especially now that Im so vulnerable. I am ready for this relationship, this move, and I want us to make it, including, how sorry i was for putting him in this stressful position after he's been expressing to me how stressed he is with school this quarter.  I love that guy so much! He has no idea how!

Oh Godness, have i been feeling like such a dude or what! It doesnt help that ive been obsessing over my hair these past few weeks. ive definitely been influenced out here by the women.  A lot of them have long hair, so that doesnt help. I want my hair to go down to my boobies! plus i feel like a cow.  I look wide in almost everything i wear.Tis is frustrating.  Plus last night, as i stretched and yawned i yelled BOOBIES!! whats that about?!?!?!  How can i be girlier but still have a cool essence? I guess i first gotta feel right in my own skin.  I do, i love my skin color and my body but im little and so much condensed in a tiny person.  Besides, the fact that my voice is slightly monotoned doesnt help.

oh yea and my boss says my voice is too monotoned. I need to sound happier. Well lady ive been like this all my life! ask my friends! I cant sound happier i just sound louder when i do!  Thats really annoying! The only time my voice changes is when i speak spanish. English and any other germanic language will all be mono a mono.

saving money is giving me anxiety! i wanna spend it soo bad!! but trying! I have less things i need on my ebay watch list. whoop whoop!


Thats a wrap ( a falafel wrap sounds yummy right about now!..menzy is on her way, hooray)

 and i love EARTH! dirt never tasted soo good!