2-1

Its definitely a Mazzy Starr night on Pandora.

I had an interview for the Whole Body Receiver position and I didnt get it.  It just seems like positions i want are 2 (taken from me) and 1 (what i have).  Well when 1 door closes 2 more open, so it turns out that another store is hiring as well for 2 positions.  I am definitely going for it.  Man, i really want that job.  I was given constructive criticism which helps because now i can refine my interview.  So we shall see. Ive been thinking about charleston, or lately. Ive never been there but I can see myself raising a family there.  I wanna live in a cottage where I have a backyard and porch.  I think its a bike friendly town. These days i feel like I dont know much of anything.  Nothing like moving to a new place to remind you of how small you and how ignorant you are.  I dont even know what to think of anything or have opinions.  The minute i feel i have an opinion about a subject, soon i realize i know squat! 

Funny that i just wrote about knowing nothing because as I write Pandora is playing one of my favorite tracks "In the waiting line" by Zero 7 & that's exactly how i feel.  Nothing seems to be real but only a dream state that i will wake up from.  I ve always felt this way, since i was a child. I remember when about 8 in 3rd grade wondering if life was just a dream or if im in a deep coma creating this all in my head; all of the evil around me was just me creating it. Who knows what i know anymore.

All of this anxiety is causing me distress.  I started getting headaches at night again.  I dont have an appetite for actual food.  I just wanna sleep all day.  This is such an experience for me. I feel so vulnerable.  Where has all my strength gone?  Who is this person?  My friend Vivi tells me, I sound so sad.

Tomorrow, I plan to go to the beach. "In a manner of speaking"- I'm in need of ocean vibration.