UGH!

Song of the week:

Please play while reading this post.

Latest:

so i gotta take this slow. I want all these things at once. David was going to let me borrow the money for a bike and he decided to back out because he feels like i could get a cheaper bike if i build it myself. No honey, its gonna cost more to build it. Nonetheless, ill just build it and maintenance the bike i have now. lame. I kinda just want a new bike, but its best to work thru it and just build it. whatev! I know he's concerned for me but its frustrating being reminded that i cant afford things. Its uncomfortable and can be crippling. Yes, there's other people in the world who worry about not having food on the table but im grateful that that's not a concern and if not affording luxuries like a bike is my issue then thats a good thing.

My co-worker Trose started this book club that i may join. Im intellectually bored. I should also focus my energy on esoteric things but i yearning for more of an exoteric feed.  Why not.

I dont feel as interesting anymore. i dont ever say the right things. environment just feels awkward and frustrating.  everything i say sounds lame and unintellectual. i repeat the same things all the time using different words. people's thoughts and ideas bore me. where's the joy? what an effin phase.

Looking Forward To: 

getting vegan Saucony sneakers; selling a few things on ebay; once my period is over start working out a little more; piercing left nostril; gaging to size  4 or 2.; doc marten boots; building my bike; reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra; longer hair; saving money; visiting ATL

Not Looking Forward To:

Fixing the rear "something" for my car, yuck, ($$$)

aaaannd...

this post is OVER!

becoming a hippie hipster

Who's got 2 thumbs and loves life a little more ......

this girl! 

hahaha.. well thats me in my bi-weekly facial. don't hate.

Who knows where i last left off but lets move on with the show. Shall we? 

So things ive been doing? working and getting my things together for school. Well kinda. Paid of my computer!! finally..Whooop whoop. My sessions are pretty good. Going to these meetings have been bringing up feelings from my past that i held for so long  that they have been arising.  Which means that David and I have been fighting a lot.  He's so strong and going through this process of healing with me so he's been understanding.  My behaviors have been kind of childish. Ive been spending way more than my means and angry when i dont get my way or some shits like that. But no more of that, my shrink says i should startto take a deep breaths when I get really upset and move from the space.  So im taking it one day at time. 

Well my hair is longer. Hooray! (claps and whistles) and my skin looks great compared to how its looked in the recent years aaaaaandd...Im back down to 145lbs!! in december i weighed at 140lbs but that was because i was sick for 1 1/2 week only eating soup and nothing but atleast i only gained 5lbs. I want to lose weight but at my own pace for my health. So my ultimate goal is 120-125lbs but im going to take it slow. First i gotta lose the 5lbs and go to 140lbs and so forth. losing 5lbs at time so that i dont set up for disappointment. im going to miss ya gut of mine.

to wrap this self indulgent note up: 

im gaging again, rebuilding my bike and getting a newer one, and getting my left nostril pierced! what what!

mothatrucka!!

testosterone

Its been awhile indeed.  Ive been experiencing deeply an emotional roller coaster from fighting with David constantly to seeing a therapist to feeling like im more of a guy than a girl to needing to save money to travel and move to potentially Berkeley (which im hoping isnt a mistake and really an unaccessible city) to going back to school (going to CCSF) to being annoyed by work to missing the feeling of being cool and comfortable.

Ive had a few obsessions like shopping for organic clothing and waiting for my hair to grow whilst attempting in thinking about fixing my bike instead of buying a new one. If i look at my bike: already have a frame, just need to get new rims and brakes and handle bar and pedals and seat.  So thats pretty much it! oh and i almost forgot get my car fixed cost me like $100 dollars.  I guess thats better than G's spent on other things for the car.

I just bought a raincoat because Im in need of one.  Its been raining in SF for the past 2 1/2 weeks (we had a few sunny days like today) and it will continue to rain throughout the week! YAY (i actually mean that despite my monotone-ss)

Dave and i had a talk why were fighting so much and its been ME really me; ive picked at him for so many things that even i feel bad. Its not fair to him and our relationship. Ive been very vulnerable out here and tis getting in the way of my rationality.  He understands me but there's so much he can take.  He told me he was beginning to wonder how we were going to make it in the long run and if I was ready for this move and this relationship.  I felt ridiculously bad, I started crying because thats exactly where i didnt want to put him in and thats exactly what i did.  I was so mad at me for being so harsh and accusative.  I told him my insecurities are getting the best of me especially now that Im so vulnerable. I am ready for this relationship, this move, and I want us to make it, including, how sorry i was for putting him in this stressful position after he's been expressing to me how stressed he is with school this quarter.  I love that guy so much! He has no idea how!

Oh Godness, have i been feeling like such a dude or what! It doesnt help that ive been obsessing over my hair these past few weeks. ive definitely been influenced out here by the women.  A lot of them have long hair, so that doesnt help. I want my hair to go down to my boobies! plus i feel like a cow.  I look wide in almost everything i wear.Tis is frustrating.  Plus last night, as i stretched and yawned i yelled BOOBIES!! whats that about?!?!?!  How can i be girlier but still have a cool essence? I guess i first gotta feel right in my own skin.  I do, i love my skin color and my body but im little and so much condensed in a tiny person.  Besides, the fact that my voice is slightly monotoned doesnt help.

oh yea and my boss says my voice is too monotoned. I need to sound happier. Well lady ive been like this all my life! ask my friends! I cant sound happier i just sound louder when i do!  Thats really annoying! The only time my voice changes is when i speak spanish. English and any other germanic language will all be mono a mono.

saving money is giving me anxiety! i wanna spend it soo bad!! but trying! I have less things i need on my ebay watch list. whoop whoop!


Thats a wrap ( a falafel wrap sounds yummy right about now!..menzy is on her way, hooray)

 and i love EARTH! dirt never tasted soo good! 

Haight and Ashbury

What a week.  So this week I helped open the Haight store which was pretty rad.  Its such a bright and colourful store. It was definitely nice working in a different store and still being able to go back to mine. I left Haight missing it so my boss gave me 2 shifts next week so that'll be sweet!  I dont plan on transferring anytime soon unless i was going to Whole Body.

Then Thursday was my first visit to the therapist.  Yes you read correctly, THERAPIST.  Now that was really interesting.  Ive never experience anything like that before. I enjoyed it for the most part.  I ended talking about someone i didnt expect to talk about, but i  definitely needed to get it out of my chess. I talked about so much.  she didnt ask me a lot of questions, i wanted her to though.  I felt as if i was running out of things to say.  It was a bit hard reliving moments of my life that were painful.

Nothing else except did some shopping online and have a few more things to buy until im done for awhile. ;-) david tells me "marge, im not going to make enough money to sustain you and your expenses".  i know i know. okay.

its late.  im tired.

FUCK YOU!

Sallie Mae.

....

you owe that to me.
i regret a few things in my life.
you are one of them.
i know everything happens for a reason.
you owe that to me.

...

Field of Jasmine

...
sometimes i get speechless when i look at you..
i dont know what to say
im just in awe to have you in my life
by your side i smell a field of jasmine.
...

Well work was interesting.  I helped open the Haight store.  It was definitely an experience.  We had a soft open today but Wednesday is our GRAND OPENING!

Came home to our bathroom getting remodeled and flowers in the kitchen with a Love card attached.  I wasnt expecting anything from David for V-day because seriously that's what it feels like almost always (knocking on wood) We treat ourselves once a week so it didnt cross my mind. So it was sweet to see almost budded flower pot with a funny/adorable card full of kisses for me.  Now im just chillen and watching Home Movies..

...

"please please please, let me get what i want.."

A Day In The Life

Humph..I got my tax refund last night, so today I paid for things that had priority. ( lame) I have a little left to spend on myself but at least its something.  So i got myself a few items that'd id been waiting to get for a while.  I still want a new bike but thats gonna have to wait for awhile.  Whatelse..ugh.. money can be so crippling.  Anyways, I have work in a couple hours gotta get in the mode cuz its going to be a long night. andddd my apt building owners are remodeling the apt upstairs! and its sooooooo efffffin noisy and annoying! its been like this for a friggin week now! STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! I just wanna take my broom and hit the ceiling so they get the point!   =/  S.O.S.

blah blah blah..

la-di-da..