Im talking to the wind

says it all.. just listen.. and you will hear my soul speaking

5.

All Ive been wanting to hear was Daft Punk this week!

This may be short one since im not really in the mood to update but I know i must since I set a goal to write as much as I can on here. ;)

Got my dove tattoo for my Godson Adriel! i feel bad in a way bc I dont want the my cousin to think i dont love my other newphew as well but tattoos are friggin addicting. =) I feel like i have so much ownership over my body. its really liberating.

its pretty much the biggest piece i have! Done by J-Sin at Industrial Ink Tattoo here in Berkeley! Awesome work! i really dig his stuff! his use of realism is so sick!

The breakup is going still moving smoothly! (knock, knock, knock)This feeling of liberation is pretty awesome! I had a bomb ass time with my friends last weekend!

Friday: drinking! (being single) trouble!

Saturday:Drunken beginners morning yoga, orange juice, friday night recap, 101 Bus to San Rafael, SOL Food,Santa Rosa/Sebastepool, Ferrell cats,Asparagus,sitting on a fence in the meadows at dusk,moonlight, deep talks Barn/VTNG Store/ Bar, bluegrass love songs, dancing, thai food with old kickass people!, awesomely naked women paintings, dorkyness

Sunday:White People Problems, bacon, eggs, pancakes, orange juice, home.

Eventful or the most its been for me in a loooooong time! It was nice not having planned any of it. This week ive been focusing on myself:goals, desires, YOGA!, tattoo. One of the freeing things i realized this weekend was how much of a dork I am! Its pretty cool that I can be dynamic in that way! For example: I ordered Teachers Guide:50 States Flashcards! Im not a teacher yet but Id like to know more about the country I live in. I feel like we get so focused at times with wanting to know about other cultures and forget to learn about ours and its multiplicity.

Im realizing all these things that Id like to do such as read hella of a lot more, become healthy and proportionate to my size. I dont even want to be skinny. I just want to be able to carry my own friggin weight! ya know whats i mean (winking while firing pistols) . Im super obsessed about my weight. Everytime I eat its all i think about. how in the world did i get back to this point. I need to start directing my energy else where.

Id truly like to enjoy the rest of my time here but I really want to go to NYC already! My mom asks me everyday (pretty much) how are things? and if I have changed my mind. I just tell her that Im good. At times i miss Davids companionship and how Im realizing how much i was just used to him. I still havent changed my mind about NYC. When I decide to move somewhere its pretty definite for me, especially if I announce it! All in all I believe love is taking me back to NYC.

Thats it for now....

3.-4.

Me gon' go home!

well, He explained why he's been M.I.A and im glad were back to normal. its been so lovely! U know me always freaking out but Im getting better at that, I think.

moving on!
so I talked to my aunt and uncle and they said I can stay with them in NYC! omg well technically upstate but about 30mins from the city! Ill be able to work in summer for a little bit of money and save up! Then I can look for work in the city and try to look for an apartment with my BFF in brooklyn. Im seriously considering applying at whole foods again until i can find something more of my style or possibly and after school program once school starts for the kiddies! Ive decided that I am going to buy a train ticket instead of flight! ill be able to stop in Chicago for a few hours and enjoy the sights! I hear its awesome traveling by train and im deff going to take that opportunity! Hector said he'd pick me up at the station on saturday. not bad. Im not sure how my uncle would take it but Penn Station is the cheapest ticket right now. Its 5months from now so anything could happen so i must check the refund policy. Another thing is i can start sending all my stuff about month and 1/2 to the date and take light bags with me, so if i do get stuck i dont have to walk around with a lot of things! hmmmm.. ill figure that out.! I just wanna buy my ticket already!!!!!!

Onto my current living situation:

The process is going rather smoothly at this point in time. I feel like we are both trying to make the best and trying hard to be respectful of each others space. Its funny sometimes when we notice that our old habits of being together. Ill it can be painful but I find it interesting the new awareness that we are encountering. Where we hold ourselves back and look at how we used to behave with each other from an insider looking out itself point of view. I feel like we are both trying to make this situation work for the both of us.


I want to get most of everything figured out before school starts so I can be better prepared for departure! Im actually looking forward to this year! All the joy and happiness, anger and frustrations this year will bring! I just hope more happiness and love above all else.

its also Day 2 of my yoga excursion!
Id really like to begin incorporating yoga back into my life! Im going to take it day by day. Ive had so much energy lately, not sure why! possibly this new sense of freedom is making me more active again! I gotta keep this up!

Wooosa Woosa

Just gotta let go and let god. I wanna move to NYC ASAP! lols. I spoke to my aunt today and let her know my intentions but she didnt offer because she thought i was with my boyfriend but I didnt want to get into to much detail with her over the phone. I guess I should have just told her that I was moving alone. If not I can always move in with my uncle.  My dad said to call her and say HI then he's gonna do his part to convince my tia to let me move back with in with her temporary. Then applying to schools again and getting in. I just gotta do my part. Kick ass this semester and transfer my stuff over but I just realized that If i take this semester then some of my credits may not transfer over because what I would need to transfer to NYC may not be required here anyways.. hmmm...

2.

this really sucks. Woke up really sad today. I know i shouldnt let this get to me but it is. Part of me feels so stupid in believing en  el otra vez! pero another part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was sick and he was probably sleeping all day pero el estaba online en skype. A lo mejor ablando con otra. =( I think its easier for this to get to me because of how vulnerable Ive been and how alone it feels now that David and I arent together. I really feel a lone out here. but this too shall pass.

Im going to try to go about my day and not call him but what if something happened to him? I think the reason why Im afraid to call is because si el esta bien y no se a communicado conmigo. Imma get so pissed becasue no quiero escuchar las excuses!

Gosh, i hate feeling this way. Go away!

1.

Welcome 2o12

Im in a lot of pain.  Its over. I broke up with him. It hurts a little less everyday but the pain is still there. It hurts most because I live with him. Looking for a new place is not something I want to do. We were willing to become roommates until i leave or find something. Financially it will benefit both of us.  What to do? I just want to leave but I know that's not best because Id be running away and I need to stand on my own. My heart is sad. I feel so alone and afraid. In many ways it is exciting because Im free to do as I please but its hard because I really wanted this to be it for me. Have this part of my life figured out in a way it's definitely liberating but scary because he provided so much comfort for me.

Im moving to NYC in the summer. I do not have that figured out but Im looking forward to that more than anything. I want to enjoy my time left in California but I really cant wait to get back to NYC! I still have to tell my dad and ask my aunt if i could move in with her until i get my shit together! ie: school, job, apt. Thinking about NYC makes me really excited but Im really gonna miss NOR~CAL, for sure!

I feel very impulsive now because of how vulnerable and needy but I must remind myself that this too shall pass and ill over come this sadness and be a better and stronger person because of it or at least thats what I like to tell myself.

Hector is back in my life but we'll see how that goes. positive thoughts. give him the benefit of the doubt.

2012, I do not know what is going to come of you but I truly hope its filled with endless jolly laughter, happiness, deeper friendships, and lasting love.

The Inevitable

I feel horrible, but I know its over.  I feel so disconnected and guilty. I hate myself so much. If he only knew that I dont mean to hurt him and cause him any pain but I have to follow my heart again. She needs things that you cannot provide. Not because you wont but because its not within you.
Im scared of the pain thats going to endure after the big hit. I love you so much and I hope you know that. I tell you that everyday because its true. I want to remind you that I love you so much but Im moving on.
Im sorry David. I have to do whats right within me. Its not fair for you.

This is what sucks about the inevitable break-up because I haven't yet and know I will. Thinking about how disappointed you're going to feel and the pain that I will be causing you.

You have been nothing but beautiful, comforting, unconditional, loving, understanding, respectful to me.

Im so sorry David. Dont Hate Me.

I LOVE YOU.

Cant Shake this Feeling...

How do i begin?

last month I went to Ecstatic Dance on the full moon and whilst there I did a tarot reading. When I went I was feeling really shaky about my relationship. I was even considering moving out but not breaking up.  I got these 3 cards and a wild one,

Past: Celebration
Present: Harmony
Future:Transformation
Wild: Politics

I decided to not move out anymore but now Im feeling even more trapped not by him but by everything around me! I feel this very strong urge to travel than i have ever before.. what do i do? I told myself that once i get my degree then i can travel. Should I wait until then or do it now or during?

I feel as if Im growing distant to my David.  Its not his fault. He's been nothing but wonderful to me.

.......


I feel the transformation.

too many distractions

How do I sum up whats been going on?
lets see:

started school
back in therapy
loving Berkeley more and more errrday!
Terribly homesick (spent a whole day crying)
Throat Chakra and Heart Chackra are doing a lot of healin
Crystal shopping!
awful food habit
work part time
BOBA TEA and Jap Food obsession  (well mainly just eat the same thing but a lot of it)
In dire need of GIRL TIME!
unbelievably distracted. ugh.
got Rook pierced!
tattoo ideas flourishing
hopefully going back to the A for about a week and half. =( I could go longer but my bear isnt coming with me, so i have to cut my trip shorter cause we're planning on driving up the coast..
Ive been on skype so much more seeing family and friends

Went to a Halloween Bday party! David and I were a Mad Men couple. I was a Stepford Wife and he a succesfull Ad man

I sweear he was a lion in a past life

theyre such a hot couple

ahhh.. so handsome

oh god these guys were a friggin blast! 

Bday Boy Jacob!

currently me

my hair with twist out:

my septum piercing and my jade 2g!

maybe not the best picture but it shows!

my hair

ive been really excited with my hair lately! i finished taking the supplements for my hair.  I straightened my hair to see how long it is!.


I started seeing a naturopathic doctor who has me off of sugar , gluten, and dairy for about a month! Its been great because Ive seen how different my body is now compared to 3 weeks ago. Its 3 weeks today that ive been off that stuff. I feel great! my mood is so much better, and i feel alot more confident and slightly sassy! .  I feel like Ive lost some weight, not much but like 3 pounds. It has been nice because ive been able to buy a few things without having to try them on and they fit nicely!~) Ill see the doctor this coming week and we're going to work other things but getting that stuff out of my system first was a must. Ive also noticed how sensitive i am to certain foods since ive been on this elimination diet.  Well. thats all for now.. here's my hair..

Hearts A Lonely Hunter...

So this week was sooo RAD! 

To top off David's SB we went to a party that was thrown by one of our favorite music labels ESL Music.  A new friend I met at work joined us and danced that night away! I was so happy cause she's into very much of the same things that I am into! i really miss having friends. I want to have a lot more friends like April. Where we can listen to reggae and funk music and talk about spirituality. start  up drum circles vibrating off of each other. People like her remind me as to why i wanted to live in the bay area in the first place. Im glad i met her!  

Im starting to like SF after all. Im not sure if i'd want to move to Berkeley just yet.  I know Berkeley would be great too but GOSH the weather has been amazing and just positive vibrations.  For the first time today i truly felt the love from SF!

Therapy is going well. 

I started seeing a naturopathic doctor. She put me on an elimination diet. Im off of sugar, dairy, gluten and bananas for about 3 weeks. Im also doing a skin detox on my own. It feels good to be taking a little control of the things i can and letting go of things i cannot.  

Dave and I went on 3 hr hike a week ago to Mt. Tam

 (sexual energy coming from this tree)

 walking on side of the Mt. Tam

 looking up in..

 this reminds me of a vagina..

????

I like this remix.

David's stressed cant seem to finish his paper.

Im stressed.

getting thru these rainy days together.

Wet and Cold

song of the week.

It's been HELLA raining in SF. I mean like 2 1/2 weeeks straight rain. I dont mind it at all because its nice to see rain. i like the rainy gloomy sweater weather. Ive been doing really well on shopping. I havent spent any on myself. Its been to bills and food. I kinda have to get really serious about saving if i wanna go anywhere this summer especially ATL. I cant wait to go back and VISIT.

So far ive been taking a little more control of myself. Im attempting to read "Thus Spoke Zarathusra".  My knitting has gotten so much better. I was stuck on a specific stitch that I just couldnt get right on my own but my co-worker Lynley helped me figure out what i was doing wrong, so that made my day! (a few days ago).  Ive sold 3 items on ebay only which i guess is good but id rather sell all my stuff so i can get new stuff or save the money. My obsession with my hair is only getting worse.  The multivitamins have helped my hair grow maybe an inch to in and half but i just gotta be patient. Hopefully my hair grows more than a foot this year. Honestly though it just doenst feel like its getting any longer. Gah i want it boob long already! I had a dream the other day that it was boob long and i looked like a mermaid. bahahahahhaa. I did.

My other obsession is MOVING! i really wanna move to Berkeley this summer. We'd save well over $200 a person. I mean my roommate really love SF. He's said this before but i also feel like he would get bored of Berkeley fast. He has to be out and about all the time.  Its funny because ive been watching myself these past few years and notice the older i get the  more reserved ive become. Especially now that i live out on my own. I dont make much use of the city as i thought i would. I dont have much friends out here to do much with besides going out requires $$$ of which i dont have. Id like to go out and do yoga or go see a show or a poetry reading. Berkeley has alot more of that going on ive noticed.  So that said, ALL i do is look for housing on craigslist for Berkeley. Compared to out here Berkeley is so much cheaper and sunnier. =)

with that said. Things im not doing as much anymore : obsessing over my bike; i m just going to do with what i have and fix it how i want it: obsessing over clothes ( just barely)

hopefully we move to brkly this summer and i get a transfer to the brkly store! and go to BCC.

 *sighs*

lo que sera..sera..

Lotus

Had a passive emotional outburst last night. when is this going to end??? 

Therapy was good because we had a breakthrough. I was able to see myself differently which is always good! I put a few things up on ebay to sell! My name is Herbivore170 if you wanna see whats listed. Ive been experimenting in the kitchen a little more lately which is nice i was getting pretty lazy there.  Today's evening meal was Blackeyed Pea and Collard Green soup! i added a few extra things to the concoction and it was taaasty. yum. David had like 3 servings.  I tell ya, it makes me feel a little special with every serving.  I know its silly but its great to know that my man enjoys my cooking. =D

and im broke and thinking on how to spend my next check on shit already! Yeas, i have Oniomania. 

UGH!

Song of the week:

Please play while reading this post.

Latest:

so i gotta take this slow. I want all these things at once. David was going to let me borrow the money for a bike and he decided to back out because he feels like i could get a cheaper bike if i build it myself. No honey, its gonna cost more to build it. Nonetheless, ill just build it and maintenance the bike i have now. lame. I kinda just want a new bike, but its best to work thru it and just build it. whatev! I know he's concerned for me but its frustrating being reminded that i cant afford things. Its uncomfortable and can be crippling. Yes, there's other people in the world who worry about not having food on the table but im grateful that that's not a concern and if not affording luxuries like a bike is my issue then thats a good thing.

My co-worker Trose started this book club that i may join. Im intellectually bored. I should also focus my energy on esoteric things but i yearning for more of an exoteric feed.  Why not.

I dont feel as interesting anymore. i dont ever say the right things. environment just feels awkward and frustrating.  everything i say sounds lame and unintellectual. i repeat the same things all the time using different words. people's thoughts and ideas bore me. where's the joy? what an effin phase.

Looking Forward To: 

getting vegan Saucony sneakers; selling a few things on ebay; once my period is over start working out a little more; piercing left nostril; gaging to size  4 or 2.; doc marten boots; building my bike; reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra; longer hair; saving money; visiting ATL

Not Looking Forward To:

Fixing the rear "something" for my car, yuck, ($$$)

aaaannd...

this post is OVER!

becoming a hippie hipster

Who's got 2 thumbs and loves life a little more ......

this girl! 

hahaha.. well thats me in my bi-weekly facial. don't hate.

Who knows where i last left off but lets move on with the show. Shall we? 

So things ive been doing? working and getting my things together for school. Well kinda. Paid of my computer!! finally..Whooop whoop. My sessions are pretty good. Going to these meetings have been bringing up feelings from my past that i held for so long  that they have been arising.  Which means that David and I have been fighting a lot.  He's so strong and going through this process of healing with me so he's been understanding.  My behaviors have been kind of childish. Ive been spending way more than my means and angry when i dont get my way or some shits like that. But no more of that, my shrink says i should startto take a deep breaths when I get really upset and move from the space.  So im taking it one day at time. 

Well my hair is longer. Hooray! (claps and whistles) and my skin looks great compared to how its looked in the recent years aaaaaandd...Im back down to 145lbs!! in december i weighed at 140lbs but that was because i was sick for 1 1/2 week only eating soup and nothing but atleast i only gained 5lbs. I want to lose weight but at my own pace for my health. So my ultimate goal is 120-125lbs but im going to take it slow. First i gotta lose the 5lbs and go to 140lbs and so forth. losing 5lbs at time so that i dont set up for disappointment. im going to miss ya gut of mine.

to wrap this self indulgent note up: 

im gaging again, rebuilding my bike and getting a newer one, and getting my left nostril pierced! what what!

mothatrucka!!

testosterone

Its been awhile indeed.  Ive been experiencing deeply an emotional roller coaster from fighting with David constantly to seeing a therapist to feeling like im more of a guy than a girl to needing to save money to travel and move to potentially Berkeley (which im hoping isnt a mistake and really an unaccessible city) to going back to school (going to CCSF) to being annoyed by work to missing the feeling of being cool and comfortable.

Ive had a few obsessions like shopping for organic clothing and waiting for my hair to grow whilst attempting in thinking about fixing my bike instead of buying a new one. If i look at my bike: already have a frame, just need to get new rims and brakes and handle bar and pedals and seat.  So thats pretty much it! oh and i almost forgot get my car fixed cost me like $100 dollars.  I guess thats better than G's spent on other things for the car.

I just bought a raincoat because Im in need of one.  Its been raining in SF for the past 2 1/2 weeks (we had a few sunny days like today) and it will continue to rain throughout the week! YAY (i actually mean that despite my monotone-ss)

Dave and i had a talk why were fighting so much and its been ME really me; ive picked at him for so many things that even i feel bad. Its not fair to him and our relationship. Ive been very vulnerable out here and tis getting in the way of my rationality.  He understands me but there's so much he can take.  He told me he was beginning to wonder how we were going to make it in the long run and if I was ready for this move and this relationship.  I felt ridiculously bad, I started crying because thats exactly where i didnt want to put him in and thats exactly what i did.  I was so mad at me for being so harsh and accusative.  I told him my insecurities are getting the best of me especially now that Im so vulnerable. I am ready for this relationship, this move, and I want us to make it, including, how sorry i was for putting him in this stressful position after he's been expressing to me how stressed he is with school this quarter.  I love that guy so much! He has no idea how!

Oh Godness, have i been feeling like such a dude or what! It doesnt help that ive been obsessing over my hair these past few weeks. ive definitely been influenced out here by the women.  A lot of them have long hair, so that doesnt help. I want my hair to go down to my boobies! plus i feel like a cow.  I look wide in almost everything i wear.Tis is frustrating.  Plus last night, as i stretched and yawned i yelled BOOBIES!! whats that about?!?!?!  How can i be girlier but still have a cool essence? I guess i first gotta feel right in my own skin.  I do, i love my skin color and my body but im little and so much condensed in a tiny person.  Besides, the fact that my voice is slightly monotoned doesnt help.

oh yea and my boss says my voice is too monotoned. I need to sound happier. Well lady ive been like this all my life! ask my friends! I cant sound happier i just sound louder when i do!  Thats really annoying! The only time my voice changes is when i speak spanish. English and any other germanic language will all be mono a mono.

saving money is giving me anxiety! i wanna spend it soo bad!! but trying! I have less things i need on my ebay watch list. whoop whoop!


Thats a wrap ( a falafel wrap sounds yummy right about now!..menzy is on her way, hooray)

 and i love EARTH! dirt never tasted soo good! 

Haight and Ashbury

What a week.  So this week I helped open the Haight store which was pretty rad.  Its such a bright and colourful store. It was definitely nice working in a different store and still being able to go back to mine. I left Haight missing it so my boss gave me 2 shifts next week so that'll be sweet!  I dont plan on transferring anytime soon unless i was going to Whole Body.

Then Thursday was my first visit to the therapist.  Yes you read correctly, THERAPIST.  Now that was really interesting.  Ive never experience anything like that before. I enjoyed it for the most part.  I ended talking about someone i didnt expect to talk about, but i  definitely needed to get it out of my chess. I talked about so much.  she didnt ask me a lot of questions, i wanted her to though.  I felt as if i was running out of things to say.  It was a bit hard reliving moments of my life that were painful.

Nothing else except did some shopping online and have a few more things to buy until im done for awhile. ;-) david tells me "marge, im not going to make enough money to sustain you and your expenses".  i know i know. okay.

its late.  im tired.

FUCK YOU!

Sallie Mae.

....

you owe that to me.
i regret a few things in my life.
you are one of them.
i know everything happens for a reason.
you owe that to me.

...