Im talking to the wind

says it all.. just listen.. and you will hear my soul speaking

5.

All Ive been wanting to hear was Daft Punk this week!

This may be short one since im not really in the mood to update but I know i must since I set a goal to write as much as I can on here. ;)

Got my dove tattoo for my Godson Adriel! i feel bad in a way bc I dont want the my cousin to think i dont love my other newphew as well but tattoos are friggin addicting. =) I feel like i have so much ownership over my body. its really liberating.

its pretty much the biggest piece i have! Done by J-Sin at Industrial Ink Tattoo here in Berkeley! Awesome work! i really dig his stuff! his use of realism is so sick!

The breakup is going still moving smoothly! (knock, knock, knock)This feeling of liberation is pretty awesome! I had a bomb ass time with my friends last weekend!

Friday: drinking! (being single) trouble!

Saturday:Drunken beginners morning yoga, orange juice, friday night recap, 101 Bus to San Rafael, SOL Food,Santa Rosa/Sebastepool, Ferrell cats,Asparagus,sitting on a fence in the meadows at dusk,moonlight, deep talks Barn/VTNG Store/ Bar, bluegrass love songs, dancing, thai food with old kickass people!, awesomely naked women paintings, dorkyness

Sunday:White People Problems, bacon, eggs, pancakes, orange juice, home.

Eventful or the most its been for me in a loooooong time! It was nice not having planned any of it. This week ive been focusing on myself:goals, desires, YOGA!, tattoo. One of the freeing things i realized this weekend was how much of a dork I am! Its pretty cool that I can be dynamic in that way! For example: I ordered Teachers Guide:50 States Flashcards! Im not a teacher yet but Id like to know more about the country I live in. I feel like we get so focused at times with wanting to know about other cultures and forget to learn about ours and its multiplicity.

Im realizing all these things that Id like to do such as read hella of a lot more, become healthy and proportionate to my size. I dont even want to be skinny. I just want to be able to carry my own friggin weight! ya know whats i mean (winking while firing pistols) . Im super obsessed about my weight. Everytime I eat its all i think about. how in the world did i get back to this point. I need to start directing my energy else where.

Id truly like to enjoy the rest of my time here but I really want to go to NYC already! My mom asks me everyday (pretty much) how are things? and if I have changed my mind. I just tell her that Im good. At times i miss Davids companionship and how Im realizing how much i was just used to him. I still havent changed my mind about NYC. When I decide to move somewhere its pretty definite for me, especially if I announce it! All in all I believe love is taking me back to NYC.

Thats it for now....

3.-4.

Me gon' go home!

well, He explained why he's been M.I.A and im glad were back to normal. its been so lovely! U know me always freaking out but Im getting better at that, I think.

moving on!
so I talked to my aunt and uncle and they said I can stay with them in NYC! omg well technically upstate but about 30mins from the city! Ill be able to work in summer for a little bit of money and save up! Then I can look for work in the city and try to look for an apartment with my BFF in brooklyn. Im seriously considering applying at whole foods again until i can find something more of my style or possibly and after school program once school starts for the kiddies! Ive decided that I am going to buy a train ticket instead of flight! ill be able to stop in Chicago for a few hours and enjoy the sights! I hear its awesome traveling by train and im deff going to take that opportunity! Hector said he'd pick me up at the station on saturday. not bad. Im not sure how my uncle would take it but Penn Station is the cheapest ticket right now. Its 5months from now so anything could happen so i must check the refund policy. Another thing is i can start sending all my stuff about month and 1/2 to the date and take light bags with me, so if i do get stuck i dont have to walk around with a lot of things! hmmmm.. ill figure that out.! I just wanna buy my ticket already!!!!!!

Onto my current living situation:

The process is going rather smoothly at this point in time. I feel like we are both trying to make the best and trying hard to be respectful of each others space. Its funny sometimes when we notice that our old habits of being together. Ill it can be painful but I find it interesting the new awareness that we are encountering. Where we hold ourselves back and look at how we used to behave with each other from an insider looking out itself point of view. I feel like we are both trying to make this situation work for the both of us.


I want to get most of everything figured out before school starts so I can be better prepared for departure! Im actually looking forward to this year! All the joy and happiness, anger and frustrations this year will bring! I just hope more happiness and love above all else.

its also Day 2 of my yoga excursion!
Id really like to begin incorporating yoga back into my life! Im going to take it day by day. Ive had so much energy lately, not sure why! possibly this new sense of freedom is making me more active again! I gotta keep this up!

Wooosa Woosa

Just gotta let go and let god. I wanna move to NYC ASAP! lols. I spoke to my aunt today and let her know my intentions but she didnt offer because she thought i was with my boyfriend but I didnt want to get into to much detail with her over the phone. I guess I should have just told her that I was moving alone. If not I can always move in with my uncle.  My dad said to call her and say HI then he's gonna do his part to convince my tia to let me move back with in with her temporary. Then applying to schools again and getting in. I just gotta do my part. Kick ass this semester and transfer my stuff over but I just realized that If i take this semester then some of my credits may not transfer over because what I would need to transfer to NYC may not be required here anyways.. hmmm...

2.

this really sucks. Woke up really sad today. I know i shouldnt let this get to me but it is. Part of me feels so stupid in believing en  el otra vez! pero another part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was sick and he was probably sleeping all day pero el estaba online en skype. A lo mejor ablando con otra. =( I think its easier for this to get to me because of how vulnerable Ive been and how alone it feels now that David and I arent together. I really feel a lone out here. but this too shall pass.

Im going to try to go about my day and not call him but what if something happened to him? I think the reason why Im afraid to call is because si el esta bien y no se a communicado conmigo. Imma get so pissed becasue no quiero escuchar las excuses!

Gosh, i hate feeling this way. Go away!

1.

Welcome 2o12

Im in a lot of pain.  Its over. I broke up with him. It hurts a little less everyday but the pain is still there. It hurts most because I live with him. Looking for a new place is not something I want to do. We were willing to become roommates until i leave or find something. Financially it will benefit both of us.  What to do? I just want to leave but I know that's not best because Id be running away and I need to stand on my own. My heart is sad. I feel so alone and afraid. In many ways it is exciting because Im free to do as I please but its hard because I really wanted this to be it for me. Have this part of my life figured out in a way it's definitely liberating but scary because he provided so much comfort for me.

Im moving to NYC in the summer. I do not have that figured out but Im looking forward to that more than anything. I want to enjoy my time left in California but I really cant wait to get back to NYC! I still have to tell my dad and ask my aunt if i could move in with her until i get my shit together! ie: school, job, apt. Thinking about NYC makes me really excited but Im really gonna miss NOR~CAL, for sure!

I feel very impulsive now because of how vulnerable and needy but I must remind myself that this too shall pass and ill over come this sadness and be a better and stronger person because of it or at least thats what I like to tell myself.

Hector is back in my life but we'll see how that goes. positive thoughts. give him the benefit of the doubt.

2012, I do not know what is going to come of you but I truly hope its filled with endless jolly laughter, happiness, deeper friendships, and lasting love.

The Inevitable

I feel horrible, but I know its over.  I feel so disconnected and guilty. I hate myself so much. If he only knew that I dont mean to hurt him and cause him any pain but I have to follow my heart again. She needs things that you cannot provide. Not because you wont but because its not within you.
Im scared of the pain thats going to endure after the big hit. I love you so much and I hope you know that. I tell you that everyday because its true. I want to remind you that I love you so much but Im moving on.
Im sorry David. I have to do whats right within me. Its not fair for you.

This is what sucks about the inevitable break-up because I haven't yet and know I will. Thinking about how disappointed you're going to feel and the pain that I will be causing you.

You have been nothing but beautiful, comforting, unconditional, loving, understanding, respectful to me.

Im so sorry David. Dont Hate Me.

I LOVE YOU.